Before I had Wyatt I read everything I could get my hands on about breastfeeding. I watched videos. I went to classes. I bought a nursing pillow and nipple cream and stocked up on clothes that would make it easier to whip a boob out at a moments notice.
I was so ready.
But nothing prepared me for the reality of breastfeeding. It included pain, despair, latch issues, low milk supply, and exhaustion. I had one month before we had to move and I knew if we were going to have a chance I needed to dedicate that time to getting the breastfeeding under control. I could do it if I just tried hard enough. I pumped every three hours and drove 40 minutes to a support group every week for assistance. I was taking roughly thirty pills a day to try to boost my milk supply. I mastered the art of holding a baby up to my boob with one arm while I syringe-fed him formula with the other in what was almost always a futile attempt at getting him to latch. It never did work. I wasn’t going to be a breast-feeder.
I literally sobbed in the kitchen as I made up bottles of formula for the baby, because it wasn’t breast milk. It wasn’t good enough. In those moments the fact I was feeding Wyatt formula felt devastating. Was I sad all the time? No. I was enjoying my new baby and being a mom. But there was that dark cloud I couldn’t quite shake. Thankfully I got over it. But now, I’m kind of pissed.
I’m pissed because I never should have had to feel that way in the first place. No one should. But there’s a group of (mostly) women out there who don’t think you’re doing your best if you’re not breastfeeding. This isn’t a rant against women who breastfeed. I wanted to be one of them. This is a rant against breastfeeding zealots. The people who tell you formula is poison. The ones who tell you if you’d just tried hard enough breastfeeding would have worked. The ones who feel superior because their kid eats from the breast and not from a bottle. These are the people who were in my head every time I made a bottle. Every time I couldn’t get Wyatt to latch. Every time I sleepily dragged myself over to the breast pump.
I’m particularly bothered by the term “breast is best” that is so freely thrown around. Frankly, it’s offensive. Let’s get something straight, breast isn’t always best. In a perfect world without jobs and stresses and lack of knowledge and faulty anatomy we’d all probably blissfully breastfeed our babies. But that’s not the real world. My breasts were not best for Wyatt. For reasons I don’t understand, we couldn’t make it work. Did I do things wrong? I have no doubt I did. I was tired and alone and stressed. If I have another baby, will I do things differently? Yes. Will I beat myself up if it doesn’t work again? Not a chance.
There is simply nothing second best about making sure your baby is happy and healthy. If you get there through breastfeeding, that is fantastic. If you don’t, it’s still fantastic.
This is my happy, healthy, ridiculously cute, formula fed baby:
I don’t think he’s getting the second best of anything.
I support you & what you said, breaks my heart women beat themselves up over things they shouldn’t. God love you both <3
love this post! my son was mostly breastfed but we supplemented a lot because i never could pump anything and i liked the break. much to my dismay, my daughter refuses any and all bottles (formula and breastmilk). i think it’s awesome you tried and gave a good effort. i am hoping my daughter will take to a sippy cup soon
Amen! I tried breast feeding all 3 of my children and the most they got was a few weeks, at best. I had issues with each one (all different) and it just didn’t work out. I suffered a lot of guilt bc of it bc I felt like I had failed. I was a labor & delivery nurse and had been teaching others to breast feed, then I couldn’t do it! Now I know that it was ridiculous to feel all that guilt. My kids are very healthy, and only one has allergies…and I’m pretty sure that is bc I have allergies, not bc he didn’t get enough breast milk. I know plenty of people that exclusively breast fed and their kids have all sorts of issues. The best thing anyone can do for their baby is make sure they are loved and cared for, and whether they get milk from a boob or a bottle is pretty much irrelevant. Would I have loved to have been one of those people that could whip it out and feed the baby while grocery shopping….sure, but it wasn’t meant to be. Sorry for the long comment, I could have just said breast feeding sucks! Haha
I tried and did breast feed all four of my kids for a bit. My first screamed so bad at everything I ate, I eventually was eating only oatmeal and he still screamed. Ultimately the doctor put him on soy formula and distilled water and viola! No screaming!
My second breastfed beautifully. It was perfect. Until I ended up with a severe case of MRSA, on iv’s, bed rest, open hole in my stomach, etc. I had to hand her over to my best friend at 4 months to be bottle fed because I couldn’t even take care of me, much less breast feed.
My third threw up everytime we fed her. she lost so much weight, she was on machines, it was awful. They tried everything, meds, etc to help me breast feed her. Ultimately she did wonderfully on a prescription formula and she started gaining weight.
My 4th nursed me until I bled. It was the most painful thing. But I kept at it. I had to go back to work with a pump when he was 3 weeks old (let’s just say the FMLA laws only apply to companies with 50 or more employees) and my husband stayed home. Day two my milk dried up. There wasn’t a drop more. I sobbed for days. But he did just fine on the formula the doctor suggested. He was fat, sassy, happy, and giggly. He also talked at 6 months old and is so very smart.
Point is, whether baby just doesn’t take to it, or in my case 3 times, there is a severe allergy to my milk (they are all also allergic to any type of milk product), breast milk really ISN’T always best. Made me sad I couldn’t give them that, but they are healthy wonderful kids!
I think a lot of it if WHO you allow to get into your head.
I recently had my 3rd son on Christmas, and he was in the NICU for almost two weeks, but I pumped… and pumped and pumped because I wasn’t going to let this little hiccup ruin me being able to breastfeed my last baby. I WANTED it to work, and I made up my mind that it would… plus I’m a damn cow, we’re taking 4 oz. each breast the day after I had him, every 3 hours. So not an issue.
But my family were NOT supportive. “Just give him a bottle and let it go” was literally the response I got from my sister when I was whining about the hassle of pumping. So yeah, like I said… it’s all about who you’re around. Don’t let anyone get to you. You did what was BEST for you and your family.
I nursed all four of mine, so people ask me for nursing advice. I’ve talked with several women, who, fit different reasons were unable to nurse and they have had similar experiences. I think that there are many things that the “breastfeeding community” forgets when discussing issues women face. First, formula is relatively new so of course people didn’t use it “back in the day”, second, as a society we are too easily swayed by what’s popular. Remember when our parents were babies breastfeeding was considered not as good as formula so women who could not afford formula or for other reasons chose to nurse were the “bad” moms. Third, and perhaps most important thing we forget as a society is that women used to share responsibility for nursing. Wet nurses would not only nurse their child, but would continue to help other mother’s by nursing children who’s mother’s couldn’t nurse for whatever reason. These situations are not new. I was reading a letter about the revolutionary war, there was a line that read, “she left the new baby with me because I could nurse him while she went to see to her mother.”. Would this happen today? Probably not, why I don’t know but as a society we seem to think that women have to do everything on their own, that’s a different issue. Let’s just say, you aren’t the first, you won’t be the last, unfortunately, but you should not be made to feel as though you aren’t a good mom. And, you have a wonderful son who won’t care. In his eyes you are perfect.
I do wish I lived closer so I could squeeze him some though.