First of all, never have five cats.
You think one cat is cute? It’s true, they are. Two cats? Yep, still pretty adorable. Plus they can play together. Lovely.
Three cats? You’re pushing it.
Four cats? You probably need to hang a lint brush around your neck at all times.
Five cats? You’ve reached threat level DEADLY CRIMSON. Because cats are conniving and manipulative creatures. Get too many of them together and you’re in danger. They know how to work you over. They nuzzle you and make you think they care, and then they puke in your lap. Not because they’re sick, but just because they can. Multiply that by five. You’re scared, aren’t you?
You should be.
If you ever wonder why I’m mentally unstable, it’s because I have five cats. No question.
Well, we thought we’d be proactive and move the cats over to the new house so they could get acclimated and then they’d be out of the way while we’re trying to pack and get the truck loaded.
It was a good idea. And it was a disaster. If you want your kitty transport experience to be just as painful, please follow these instructions
1. Don’t plan a damn thing. Wait until the last minute to collect all the kitty gear. It’ll make things extra hectic.
2. Make sure you have less cat carriers than you do cats. This forces you to transport loose cats in the car.
3. Stalk your cats through the house whispering “here kitty kitty.” It’ll freak them out and make them harder to catch.
4. When the cats inevitably end up cowering in fear under the bed, poke them with brooms so they run out the other end. But make sure there’s no one there to catch them.
5. Don’t put the notorious puker into a carrier. He can’t vomit all over the car if he’s in a carrier, after all.
6. Stuff as many other humans and babies in the car at the same time with the cats. The extra company means extra ears to hear their whining.
7. Make a pit-stop. You need the experience of sitting in a parking lot with five cats that are puking and peeing all over the place.
8. Open the car doors unnecessarily, but only if you’re woefully unprepared to chase cats across a parking lot.
The cats are now safely tucked away in the basement of the new house, where they will live the rest of their lives because I’m never moving those suckers ever again.
Do you guys have cats? Are they slowly destroying your sanity? I’m thinking of starting a support group.