First of all, never have five cats.
You think one cat is cute? It’s true, they are. Two cats? Yep, still pretty adorable. Plus they can play together. Lovely.
Three cats? You’re pushing it.
Four cats? You probably need to hang a lint brush around your neck at all times.
Five cats? You’ve reached threat level DEADLY CRIMSON. Because cats are conniving and manipulative creatures. Get too many of them together and you’re in danger. They know how to work you over. They nuzzle you and make you think they care, and then they puke in your lap. Not because they’re sick, but just because they can. Multiply that by five. You’re scared, aren’t you?
You should be.
If you ever wonder why I’m mentally unstable, it’s because I have five cats. No question.
Well, we thought we’d be proactive and move the cats over to the new house so they could get acclimated and then they’d be out of the way while we’re trying to pack and get the truck loaded.
It was a good idea. And it was a disaster. If you want your kitty transport experience to be just as painful, please follow these instructions
1. Don’t plan a damn thing. Wait until the last minute to collect all the kitty gear. It’ll make things extra hectic.
2. Make sure you have less cat carriers than you do cats. This forces you to transport loose cats in the car.
3. Stalk your cats through the house whispering “here kitty kitty.” It’ll freak them out and make them harder to catch.
4. When the cats inevitably end up cowering in fear under the bed, poke them with brooms so they run out the other end. But make sure there’s no one there to catch them.
5. Don’t put the notorious puker into a carrier. He can’t vomit all over the car if he’s in a carrier, after all.
6. Stuff as many other humans and babies in the car at the same time with the cats. The extra company means extra ears to hear their whining.
7. Make a pit-stop. You need the experience of sitting in a parking lot with five cats that are puking and peeing all over the place.
8. Open the car doors unnecessarily, but only if you’re woefully unprepared to chase cats across a parking lot.
The cats are now safely tucked away in the basement of the new house, where they will live the rest of their lives because I’m never moving those suckers ever again.
Do you guys have cats? Are they slowly destroying your sanity? I’m thinking of starting a support group.
Oh, my god. This is totally hysterical. I myself am a dog person and have never had a cat but I live vicariously through my bestie who always tells me stories of the bastard of a cat she has that she loves more than anything else in the world. He truly is awesome. But I can’t imagine the stink he would have made being transported.
LOVED this.
Visiting from “A Peek at Karen’s World”–so glad that I did!
Charlotte recently posted…How Fitness Prepared Me for True Love
We have one cat… and he is a terror so I can’t imagine 5. I have had cats all my life mostly out door cats but Oliver is indoor with a few trips out into the fenced yard… We have moved him with us 3 times and he did relatively well each time, no puking, minimal whining and one time even went to the vet for a bath first & didn’t have to be sedated – I know I couldn’t believe that either. But after the 2nd move we bought a new couch and a few months after we moved in we were gone 2 weeks and the cat stayed in the apartment by himself with someone coming to check on him every couple days, said new couch did not look the same when we returned home he clawed the crap out of the front of the arms… ugh. We still have this couch 3 years later & he still uses it as a scratching post especially when he wants me to do something for him… ie shake down his food for him. He is a terror and I dislike him A LOT somedays but I couldn’t get rid of him if I really wanted to, he snuggles good (sometimes) and the kids adore him. Cats are evil but somehow we love them anyway.
Samantha recently posted…Getting back to normal… and other little things
I knew by the title that this post would be a doozy. you did not disappoint! I feel your pain although I must say we leveled off our cat insanity at two…I can’t even imagine five. Our two guys moved a total of five times in their lives. I don’t recommend it. Three of the moves included 12 hour car rides which they DID NOT LIKE.
I’m glad your cats are moved. When do you move in? Bet you can’t wait to be done with your horrible landlord!
Mo at Mocadeaux recently posted…Football Weekend At Notre Dame
You are a good woman. My pug was best friends with a little white cat named Pickles (think “Milo and Otis”) and when Steve and I got married and I moved, we tried to get Pickles to come with. He was all, Imma live in this trailer park til I die. And I was like, Ok suit yourself, don’t forget to update that rabies vaccine soon! And Pickles may or may not still be living in that trailer park in Alabama. I guess we’ll never know.
Jenn recently posted…Fires, iPhone photos, bubble baths- oh my (I still can’t come up with titles)!
That’s awesome! (As in not awesome at all, but a total freaking nightmare) I had a cat ONCE – my family moved, he freaked out and ran out of the car at the new house, never to be seen again. Now I have dogs.
Kim of Mo’Betta recently posted…Upside Down Pizza Casserole
I have 4 cats! Totally feel your pain!!!
Haha. Oh goodness, I’m so glad they’re in the house, never to be moved again!
Susannah recently posted…I’m Going to be Very Honest
I COULD NOT do it. You’re brave. I used to eat lunch with ladies I called “the cat ladies” and they told disgusting stories about cat puke and what not WHILE WE WERE EATING. I can’t say I was sad when I got a promotion and ate in a different room. As long as you don’t share your cat puking stories during lunch, I’m sure you’ll be okay! 🙂
Kala recently posted…Gray and Blue Dresser Reveal
This was the good laugh I needed this am – thanks! AND GOOD LUCK!
Kerri @ Simplicity Interrupted recently posted…Coffee Filter Wreath for Fall
This is hilarious, but only because I remember very well what it was like to move with just ONE cat. I can’t imagine FIVE!
Karen Peterson recently posted…I went to the movies with George Clooney. How was your weekend?
I am planning (yet another!) long-distance move with my seven cats. I know exactly what you mean, especially the part about not having enough carriers and then letting the rest roam around the car while you’re trying to drive. Just the act of getting them out of the house and into the car at the same time is nuts. Thanks for making me crack up