Last week, for reasons I don’t understand, I felt it heavy on my heart to talk about something. I thought about it while I was drifting off to sleep, as I made dinner, driving in the car, and taking showers. It plagued me. I wrote page after page in my mind. But I pushed it all away because the topic is uncomfortable. It’s intimate. It’s revealing. I decided it wasn’t a topic for this space. And then tonight I logged onto Facebook to see that Robin Williams had died. An apparent suicide. And my heart sank. Not because I knew him. Not because his death will affect me in any meaningful way. But because I have felt the kind of pain and desperation that leads to suicide. That could have easily been me. And I know it could have been thousands of others out there. And I decided there’s absolutely room for this confession.
I have depression. This might come as a shock, especially to people who know me. I’m happy! I’m upbeat! I tell jokes! It’s true, I am those things. But not all the time. And that darker side was not something I advertised. I hid it out of shame for a long time, and then when I really came to terms with it, I decided I didn’t want it to define me. I guess I didn’t want to let it have that much power. It had, after all, consumed too many of my days already. So that part of me has remained largely a secret, until now.
I have lived through days I was sure would end me. I have, in my darkest moments, harmed myself. And I did it all so very quietly. Discreetly. Because I was ashamed. Because I have not had a bad life. Hard times? Yes. But we all have. It felt shameful to not embrace the goodness. And Lord knows, I tried. I tried so hard. And I succeeded a lot of the time. Which only made it that much more difficult to slip back into depression, with no way to stop it from happening. I didn’t know how to cope. I didn’t feel like I could get help. It was really scary, and I am so thankful I’m not stuck in that place anymore.
So, how am I today? Better. I still struggle. I know I’ll never be completely free of this beast. But being honest with myself about what this is, recognizing triggers, and knowing ways to cope have helped me in immeasurable ways.
Are you wondering why I’m confessing all this super personal stuff? Because I don’t want people to suffer in silence like I did. Not only does it make depression more painful and difficult to handle, it’s dangerous. And I want to do my part to wipe out the stigma surrounding depression. Having a depressive disorder is not something to be ashamed of, and if you need help to cope with the effects, it’s okay to admit that. While it’s scary to confess these details of my life to you, if it helps just one person, it was worth it.
So what do you do if you think you have depression? Tell someone. A close friend or family member you trust to be supportive and accepting. Open up about what’s going on. Can they fix everything? No. But you won’t be alone in this anymore. Tell them you need to get counseling and allow them to encourage you to seek help, even when it seems really scary. Because it might.
If you feel like there’s no one in your life you can speak to, I mean this with total sincerity, talk to me. I am here. E-mail me. I want you to beat this thing. I want your happy days to outnumber your bad ones. I want you to embrace life knowing that depression isn’t a death sentence. You are a lovely and unique person put on this earth for remarkable reasons, and I’d like to know you.
Please, if you’re having suicidal thoughts, get in touch with someone immediately. The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is available by phone or online 24/7.
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Love you and your heart. You are so brave to have written this and I think that it is awesome you shared. xo
Jenn recently posted…5
I think it’s awesome you’re opening up on this topic in this space – it’s so important to raise awareness! Thank you for sharing it.
Beth recently posted…Just Between Friends sale
I’m so glad to hear that you’re in a better place than you’ve been in the past. I personally have not had to cope with those feelings of utter despair for myself, but my brother has been struggling with heavy depression for the longest time. Whenever I get a phone call from a family member late at night I always catch my breath in fear, thinking the worst. And the thing is, we all know about his depression and do our best to support and love him and encourage him in his battle. . . but its a helpless feeling when there is nothing definite that you can do to help fix things. But I’m grateful he seeks help when he falls. And I hope I’m doing all that I can to help. And I hope that if anyone reading this needs help they seek it out, for them and for their loved ones. Depression is a tough illness, but like you said, you should not be ashamed of it anymore than someone should be ashamed if they had cancer. That’s what I think.
Leilani recently posted…When Sleep Goes Awry
Very well said. I’ve had similar experiences and I admire you for your bravery. Thank you for sharing.
Melanie recently posted…Knott’s Scary Farm 2014 is Coming!
Thanks for this post, Trisha! You’re such a beautiful person inside and out!! Depression runs in our family, unfortunately, and we have lost way too many beautiful souls to it. We must do what we can to keep communication open and this problem addressed. Thanks again for your brave and open sharing on this. So glad you are better now. You are such a brilliant lady! Always, always keep your head up above the dark waters and know a better day will follow.
This is a very brave post. Mine today was similar. I agree that the more of us that speak up and speak out, the more the stigma will go away and people will get the help they need.
Karen Peterson recently posted…Depression is a horrible, ugly liar.
Thank you for your eloquent and brave description of life with this awful, awful illness. I’m so glad that you are better now but please remember, just as you urged others to contact you if they needed help, you have lots and lots of people (including me!!) who are here for you. Always.
Mo at Mocadeaux recently posted…Magical Trip To Montana
I think you are incredible brave and strong for sharing your story. Hopefully it can help someone else who may be struggling too.
Kerry recently posted…Chorizo Nachos
Thanks for sharing. It takes so much courage to ask for help.
Debbie @ Deliciously Inspired recently posted…“Cheese Less” Lemon Cheesecake
Wow, I’m SO glad you shared that! My children both struggle with depression – I think my older one fights it A LOT and I don’t want it to win the battle … I’m so far away, but she talks to me via text and facetime – it’s all we have – she cries alot and has done the purging thing in the past – she’s been through counseling but has since discontinued – she says she’s “fine” but I think sometimes it gets bad.
My younger child has been through bullying and has tried to OD once on any pill she could find in the house … she struggles but is now self medicating her self with weed … something I am struggling to help her with … she’s starts college in the fall and she says she won’t be able to “party” once school starts and it’s just a summer time thing …so we shall see .. but I’m always here for them and they talk to me .. I don’t know what else to do … they’ve both had no so great experiences with counseling it’s hard to get them to go back and they say they are “fine” … sigh …
Depression is so sneaky. In any crowd we can probably reach out and touch someone who is suffering without appearing to at all. I hope that Robin Williams’ death helps make people aware of what depression is and how dangerous it is. #SITSBlogging
Lizzie Lau recently posted…Why Robin Williams’ Death Has Shaken Me
I hear you, Trish! I do get depressed too. The thing is I don’t get to tell someone about it often so it lingers longer. What I do is (aside from praying) is to get out. Exercise. Chat with my neighbors. Grab a nice book. This is not an easy place to be, really.
viviene recently posted…Date Night at Bellevue
Thank you for being so brave and strong by sharing your story. There is so many suffering from depression and it’s not easy to cope with–especially if you’re trying to do it on your own. I hope that you are able to not only help yourself, but help others by continuing to share your experiences with depression.
Felicia recently posted…Hershey Garden: Monarch Butterfly
Tricia,
I am one of the member’s in Bloggertunities writing in your recent thread 🙂 This post made me stop in my tracks because I just wrote one so similar and had to say thank you for sharing your experience, opening up so other’s won’t feel alone and helping chip away at the stigma that is still out there. You will help so many people with your story.
~Alice
Alice W. recently posted…When Hope Can’t be Found {personal thoughts on depression and suicide}